Fooey Files: Pygmy Race Discovered In Google Server Room

From the Fooey Files archive, Feb 11 2014.

One of our undercover agents has graced us with this disturbing report straight from his position in Google HQ, where he helps manage their data center. A pygmy race of 6 inch tall, bipedal, sasquatch-like hunter-gatherers has been found living in their servers rooms.

What makes the Google and Facebook data centers, or “bit barns,” different than other traditional data centers is the way server cooling is managed. Standard electrically powered cooling units are replaced with a direct access to outside air. This method does save on electricity costs, but also has the added downside of causing weather conditions inside, from humidity, to clouds, and even rain (which happened in the Facebook data center[1]).

Our reporter believes it is due to these very real weather conditions that the pygmy sasquatches have not only lived but thrived. Furthermore, he believes the body of a dead pygmy squatch was found more than six months ago but went unnoticed because of an infestation of rats had been eliminated through a chemical gas the weekend previous. It was deemed just another dead rat carcass, albeit a mutated one.

This pygmy race was discovered by chance last week, when a family of them, including father, mother, and three young children (ages and sexes based on size differences), were seen scurrying over the tops of a series of server racks by one of the night IT personnel.

He was able to capture about three of the five by wrapping them in his jacket and waiting for security. It was at this point that the building was put under lockdown until the pygmy issue was sorted out.

Thankfully, the entire situation was captured by our agent, who arrived on the scene only shortly after. He was unable to smuggle live video, pictures or anything else out of the room due to an intense security presence, so he wrote down the entirety of each day’s events after the fact once he was in a safe location.

Each member of the captured pygmy tribe was interrogated, or “interviewed” as the Google security team put it. It is our agent’s belief that this pygmy race is sentient and is able to think and use rudimentary tools. Their language was not our own, but they did seem to understand English, at least in a limited capacity. The tallest, elder “father” figure eluded initial capture, but the second tallest, elder “mother” figure proved most willing to talk, although the information she gave the security team was lacking in detail.

From a smuggled transcript:

Interviewer [Name Redacted]: What are you doing here?
Elder Female Pygmy: Our home lost. We arrive here to make home. We live this place some time now.
Interviewer [Name Redacted]: You say “our” home was lost. Are you speaking of the home of you, your husband, and your children? Or the home of your people?
Elder Female Pygmy: My words of family. My people not moved.
Interviewer [Name Redacted]: Your people did not follow you here?
Elder Female Pygmy: Our family not followed.

And this portion from another transcript. The younger pygmies were more likely to talk openly, but their grasp of English was poor.

Interviewer [Name Redacted]: How did you arrive here?
Pygmy Child: [Unintelligble chitterings] hole.
Interviewer [Name Redacted]: Okay, so where did your family come from?
Pygmy Child: [The child makes a movement with its arms] Wind [unintelligble] came the sound [chitterings].

Our reporter has not had any further dealings or meetings with the pygmies and does not know what ultimate fate they fell upon, although he is still searching. He has not seen any pygmies since their capture and interrogation and everyday operation in the server room has returned to normalcy.

The agent has tried asking the original IT engineer who captured the pygmies for more information, but the engineer remembers nothing about the entire week, believing he had been on vacation in Europe.

Oddly, he even has the pictures to prove it. 

[1] The Register: Facebook’s first data center DRENCHED by ACTUAL CLOUD