A Collection of Abysmal Jokes

These were never funny, even in 2014


Part 1

Better Nate than Lever!

^^See title.

Under There

Hey, there’s something underwhere! Err wait, I mean, under there do you see that shining thing? Yeah, it’s under that table. Yeah, under it? Don’t you want to ask me a question? Yes, you need to say “Under where?” Don’t you get it? Ugh, you suck.

A Sage or Oracle or Something

There were these two people once and the lady was like she had no hair and the other guy bought her a comb and she realized she didn’t need it and he wasted his money. This all happened on Christmas, I think.

Barring Death

A man walks into a bar and says “Ouch.” The man collapses. The officials jump from their benches and rush over to the fallen man. In minutes, he is on a stretcher and rushed to the hospital. This was supposed to be the best day of his life – televised live, millions watching. Instead, it is perhaps the last day of his life. Indeed, it is. He passes away in the night, after six straight hours of fever.

Nutty Nonsense

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice say “Hey mister, nice pants!” The man looks around the bar but can’t see anything that would have spoken to him – the bar is empty besides himself and the bartender. He takes another sip of his drink and hears the voice again say “Hey mister, great shoes!” He looks around, more quickly this time, to catch whoever is talking in that weird creepy high-pitched voice. “Hey mister, cool shirt!” says the voice again. Frustrated, the man puts his drink down and signals to the bartender. “Hey bartender, what is that high-pitched voice that I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re incredibly annoying but taste really good.”

Comprehension

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bar but has difficulty reading the menu.

The Drink of Drinks

Jesus walks into a bar and orders an Appletini.

Memory Woes

An amnesiac walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?” The amnesiac says, “I don’t know. I have trouble remembering things.” The bartender sighs. “All that matters is that you can remember to pay.”

An Uncommon Sight

A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the bar, wearing an apron and cleaning glasses. He stares at the horse for a minute without saying a word. The horse stops cleaning and returns his stare. The horse breaks the silence by asking “Buddy, what’s your problem? You don’t think a horse can bartend?” “Not really,” the guy says, “It kind of strains credibility, don’t you think?” The horse nods. “The ferret who sold me the bar told me to expect this kind of reception, but it’s still tough to get used to being treated like some kind of circus act.” The guy breaks eye contact with the horse and says “Sorry, bartender. I’ll have my drink, if you’ll let me.” “Sure,” the horse says. “We’re all friends here.”

Supermarket Referral

A duck walks into a bar. He says to the bartender “Do you have any grapes?” The bartender says “Sorry, I don’t sell grapes, but the supermarket next door definitely would.” The duck thanks him for the help and leaves.

Part 2

Shorthand

In a bar in a remote Hawaiian village, a newcomer hears people yelling out random numbers (“33! 52!”) and then everyone laughing. He asks a man sitting nearby what’s going on and the man says that the same jokes have been told so many times that people just yell out their numbers instead of telling them over and over. The newcomer yells out “42!” and everybody laughs. A big guy sitting nearby nudges him and says “Good Hitchhiker reference.”

Fast Food Takes a Quick Break

A hamburger and a french fry walk into a bar. The bartender looks up for a moment but then goes back to cleaning glasses while the hamburger and french fry find barstools to sit on.

Wood Inquiry

A termite walks into a bar and says “Is the bar tender here?” A sleeping patron in a booth sits up and says “He’s off on an errand right now but he’ll be back in a few minutes.” The termite turns to him and says “Thanks.”

Mating Habits

Two guys are sitting at a bar. One says to the other, “Did you know that lions have sex 10 or 15 times a night?” The other guys says “No.”

Hanging At the Square

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender handed him the drink, the cowboy asked “Where is everybody?” The bartender replied “They’ve all gone to the hanging.” “Hanging? Who are they hanging?” asked the cowboy. “Paper Bag Billy,” the bartender replied. “What kind of name is that?” asked the cowboy. “Well,” said the bartender. “He wears a paper bag hat, paper bag shirt, paper bag pants and paper bag shoes.” “It takes all kinds, I suppose,” said the cowboy. “What are they hanging him for, rustling?” The cowboy laughed. “Nope, murder,” replied the bartender. He continued: “He killed a woman and her children while they slept and burned down their barn, with the horses still inside. He’s a mad dog killer with no remorse.” “Oh,” said the cowboy, stone-faced.

Musical Influence

E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you?”

Closing Time

A skunk walks into a bar and says “Hey, where did everyone go?” The bartender comes out from the back room. “Ah, sorry, Mr. Skunk, we’re closed.”

Between a Pig and a Duck

A woman and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Where did you get the pig?” The woman says, “That’s not a pig, that’s a duck.” The bartender says, “Oh whoops, I thought I heard a pig coming in. Sorry about that. Apparently my ears are getting to be as bad as my eyes. You see, I’m legally blind. Anywho, what can I do you for?”

Horsing Around

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “So, why the long face?” The owner comes out from the back room. “Jerry, shut the fuck up. I’ve told you time and time again not to harass the horses that come in here. Take the day off.” The bartender leaves. The owner steps behind the bar and looks towards the horse. “I offer my sincerest apologies, Mr. Horse, what can I get you?”

The Flavor of Madness

A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, “Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?” The bartender shakes his head and says, “We don’t sell chips here, but you might have better luck in the supermarket next door.”

Part 3

A Fool and His Tab

A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of their most expensive single malt scotch. The bartender sets up the ten shot glasses. The man takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. The man then pours the last shot on the floor. The bartender then says “Get the fuck out of my bar.” The man asks “Don’t you want to know why I did that?” with a dumb grin on his face. The bartender says “No. Pay me for the shots and get the fuck out.” The man dejectedly pays for the shots and leaves.

The Endangered Murderer

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats, he stands up, stretches, and then pulls out a gun. He blows everyone away in the room except for the bartender. The panda drops $20 on the bar and begins to leave. The bartender asks why he shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia, then leaves. The bartender doesn’t have an encyclopedia at hand and instead calls the police. He answers their questions and finally leaves for the day. By the time he arrives home to actually be able to look into an encyclopedia, he’s forgotten all about the panda’s explanation for the killings. The bar is the most deserted it’s ever been for the next week until the panda is found and killed by authorities in his apartment complex, after a long and drawn out gunfight. The bar’s attendance returns to normal shortly thereafter.

An Odd Request

A guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. He tells the waitress, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary and a menu.” When she returns with his drink, he asks “Are you still serving breakfast?” After she confirms that they are, he replies, “Then I’ll have two eggs, runny on the top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon raw on one end and blackened on the other, and a cold cup of coffee.” The waitress nods and says “Coming right up.”

Tool Time

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “That’s cool… So, can I get a Bud Light?”

A Good Start

A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What can I get you guys?”